it's only embarrassing if you're embarrassed
i’m so tired of being afraid to be seen trying.
Once upon a time, I read an article (or watched a TikTok, it truly could have been either but for the sake of my intellect let’s say article) citing “8 Reasons to Live.” It doesn’t take much mental heavy lifting to figure out what it covered. As I read through them, one in particular stood out to me: “as long as you’re alive, you have the chance to make changes, learn from the past, and grow as a person.” For some reason, it felt like a hot take.
It’s true. Life is (or should be) a constant journey of change, but a lot of the time that ability to change concedes to something else. I’m not entirely sure what, but let’s call it fear. The fear of learning, of not being an expert.
As someone that exists in the middle of the venn diagram between perfectionism and multipotentiality, my inner monologue wastes no time on its spiral as I try to figure out that journey for myself. Trying to decide what to pursue quickly turns into 20 days (or months) of thinking about things I want to accomplish without even 20 minutes of action. It goes a little something like this:
Do I have too many interests? Is there even such a thing as having too many interests? Do I want to do too many things? Am I preventing myself from “anything”, with everything? Or worse, am I the proverbial “jack of all trades,” but master of none?
What Happened to Amateurs?
When did mastery become the norm anyway? It seems like every time I scroll my Instagram feed someone new has a podcast (launched with perfected branding and seamless editing), or just graduated and is spending their new found free time travelling the world (without a budget), or (dare I say) launched a Substack and has a dedicated audience before their first post. Seriously, do some people never have to write to three people? Asking for myself.
It’s easy to believe that everyone has it all figured out, because that’s what it looks like! But what about everything that it took to get there? We’re all a little bit too intimate with our own process, so of course we’re going to be hyperaware of it, but we also tend to forget that, for most people, the exact same thing is happening behind the scenes.
And sure, the end result is (oftentimes) amazing. I am forever in awe of the accomplishments of those around me. But what about trying? I’m so tired of being afraid to be seen trying.
Make space for yourself to try things, even when they aren’t impressive, when they don’t “fit the plan.” Especially when they don’t fit the plan.
Make Yourself Comfortable, or Get Out of the Discomfort
“You need to shift your mindset.” Okay sure. In theory, yes, it could be that easy. For me personally, it most definitely is not, but if “just stop thinking like that” works for you, you have my most sincere congratulations.
However, if you, like me, find yourself in a perpetual cage match with your inner critic, or fear, or whatever else stands between you and doing— we’re in this questionably-constructed boat together. For us, maybe embarrassment is the cost of entry.
Wanting something more and never going after it is uncomfortable. Taking the leap to make it happen is uncomfortable. You’re going to feel it either way, but only one of those options really stands to benefit you. So your call. I’m just the messenger. As my spirit guide (my mom) says, “make yourself comfortable, or get out of the discomfort.”
Consider Everything an Experiment
If everything is an experiment, then you’re really only doing it to discover something. There’s no pressure to succeed if all you need to do is determine if it works. The only certainty is that nothing will happen unless you initiate a process of cause and effect.
There is one catch though— a lot of the time that means you won’t feel ready. Do it anyway. The key to confidence, at least in my experience, is doing it scared (and surviving). You don’t need to know everything, you can learn as you go. You don’t have to wait until it’s perfect, you can celebrate your wins along the way.
Starting is only embarrassing if you’re embarrassed. It’s okay that you’re learning. Everyone else was learning once too. It’s okay that you care about things. A lot of them. It’s okay that you want to explore things deeply, even if it’s just for right now.
Why can’t it just be a phase? Nothing in life is final— until it’s over. So why limit yourself by trying to self-assign some static identity that you then hold yourself to forever? Life is short, but it’s also the longest thing any of us will ever experience, is it really the worst thing to be a little “cringe” for a while as you become something better? In the age of “rebranding” we could all use a little bit of space to grow— without apology, or explanation, or some grand gesture declaring the beginning of a new chapter.
You haven’t experienced everything, been everywhere, met everyone, so how are you supposed to know who you’ll be? I wish I knew where the quote came from, but I think often about the saying “you still haven’t met all of the people that are going to love you.” I think that applies here in more ways than one. Start expecting something unexpected to happen. Be open to receiving, and trying, and failing, and trying again, and finding all the joy that you can in the process.
Sure, the end result is (oftentimes) amazing, and I am forever in awe of the accomplishments of those around me. But what about trying? I’m so tired of being afraid to be seen trying.
With that, I’ll end it here with one final reminder that it’s only embarrassing if you’re embarrassed. And if you can’t seem to let the embarrassment go, embrace it. If you’re embarrassed, then maybe embarrassment is the cost of entry. Make space for yourself to experience life, even when it isn’t impressive, when it doesn’t “fit the plan.” Especially when it doesn’t fit the plan. Do the things that you dream about and hold on to whatever makes you feel alive because sure, “a jack of all trades is a master of none” but try as we might to glaze over it, that quote does in fact have a second half.
“A jack of all trades is a master of none, but oftentimes better than a master of one."
Life is about exploration, not clarity. You don’t need to be ready or qualified, you can literally just do things. So grow as you please, I’d love to get to know you again.